


The Ink Speaks Everything My Lips Never Could

by NevarDevereaux



Category: Riptide - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 04:59:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NevarDevereaux/pseuds/NevarDevereaux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laundry day changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ink Speaks Everything My Lips Never Could

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt in [](http://smallfandomfest.livejournal.com/profile)[**smallfandomfest**](http://smallfandomfest.livejournal.com/) by [](http://johnnygirl51.livejournal.com/profile)[**johnnygirl51**](http://johnnygirl51.livejournal.com/)  
>  **Title:** The Ink Speaks Everything My Lips Never Could  
>  **Author:**[](http://nevardevereaux.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://nevardevereaux.livejournal.com/) **nevardevereaux**  
>  **Fandom:** Riptide  
>  **Pairing/Characters:** Nick Ryder/Cody Allen  
>  **Rating/Category:** R/(FRM)/Slash  
>  **Prompt:** Cody & or / Nick, A story where Nick finds, while cleaning, a letter addressed to him. When he opens it he finds that it's either a) a letter Cody wrote to him in Vietnam in case he was killed or b) a letter Cody has written to him in case anything happend to him while running the agency together.  
>  **Spoilers:** (if applicable)None  
>  **Summary:** Laundry day changes everything.  
>  **Notes/Warnings:** (if applicable)Slash  
>  **Word Count:** 3855
> 
> Originally posted January 17, 2012

 

Nick hated laundry day. First, he was being forced into doing something against his will; laundry was only washed when all underwear and socks were undeniably unfit to contact human skin. Second, it meant Nick would spend a half hour, or on a bad day three times that, hunting a missing piece of clothing. How the hell did a sock end up behind the fridge anyway?

The missing article on that particular day was his favorite blue polo shirt. There was nothing special about that shirt, per se, other than the reactions he received from others, especially others with round hips, ample bosoms, and sweet smiles.

_“That color really brings out your eyes.”_

_“You look amazing.”_

Nick grinned to himself as he replayed some of the dozens of compliments that simple polo had brought him. He redoubled his efforts, having already spent twenty minutes methodically working his way through the boat. He only had a few more areas to check, confident from prior experience, he would soon find what he sought.

He entered the stateroom and looked around. Not seeing the shirt anywhere, he sighed in frustration and went to the floor, bracing himself on his hands in push-up position. He looked under his bunk first. Not seeing anything, he turned to check under Cody's. An envelope was just under the bed, out of sight to someone standing. Nick balanced himself on one arm and his knees to reach for the envelope, retrieve it, then pull himself up. He was placing the letter on Cody's nightstand when he realized the letter was addressed to him.

Nick placed the letter on the nightstand, confused as to why a letter for him would be under Cody's bed. Why had he never received it? He did not believe Cody would purposely hide something like that from him, or even read it without his permission. Murray? Maybe someone had dropped it off and Murray, as usual, distracted by something with chips and cables, had never noticed it drop to the floor and then had forgotten it completely. That scenario was not far-fetched for a man who forgot to _sleep_ and _eat_.

Something compelled Nick to put his current task on hold and read whatever the envelope held. He handled the letter carefully, each side clasped between a thumb and forefinger. He did not remember walking out of the stateroom, to the table and placing his elbows upon it, still staring at the mystery before him. He let go of the paper long enough to get up and pour a cup of coffee, somehow knowing it would be a while before he moved again.

He sat down, taking a sip of the bitter brew before carefully opening the envelope. Inside were several pages, one, a sheet of notebook paper which had yellowed, along with a half dozen sheets of more expensive stationery with a nautical theme. Nick decided to begin with what appeared to be the oldest sheets.

 

_November 17, 1973_

_We're leaving here in just a few more days. When I walked into that recruitment office, I never imagined returning. I know how that sounds, but at that moment, I thought my life was over and that would give me a chance to take some of my anger out before I was taken out._

_Today, I can't wait to get back stateside. I came here with nothing to lose. I never expected to find everything to live for; I found you, Nick. It took going through hell every day for over a year to find the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never regret it. You're worth whatever price I'd have to pay. I've never had a best friend like you. Actually, I've never had a true best friend at all. I know you'd do anything for me and I would do the same for you._

_When my time was up, I never hesitated to renew my contract. You had already told me you were going to be an MP and stationed at Polk, so I requested the same. There was no coincidence, but I doubt I will ever admit that to you. It's too soon for me to let you go, buddy. One day, but not now._

_Your pal,  
Cody _

Nick carefully refolded the letter and placed it to the side. Cody had always smiled easily and given fate all credit for their matching assignments. Although most would be angry they had been lied to, Nick was hurt. Even then, Cody should have known he could tell Nick anything. Nick would have understood the young, sheltered guy was not ready to go back to a high class world which would not understand how to deal with a shattered young soul. Cody had always brought out a protective streak in Nick. Even back then, Nick knew Cody was going to need support. It definitely was not a one-sided situation, as Cody gave Nick someone to care for, a reason to keep going.

Taking a sip of the cooling coffee, Nick braced himself. He unfolded the sheets of stationery, a pale blue background with gunmetal gray anchors around the edge.

_May 18, 1987_

_It's been over fifteen years since I walked into that camp and saw you leaning against a tree, cigarette between your fingers and shades on. I couldn't see your eyes, but I could **feel** you watching me. I **knew**._

_It took me a few days to decide if I wanted to punch you or see if there was a nice guy lurking under that sarcastic, cocky smart-ass exterior. I didn't know if we would get along. If someone had told me then that you would be everything to me one day, I would have checked their pupils. I'm glad I chose to give you a chance. Even now, not many get to see the selfless, fiercely loyal man you hide so well. The selfish side of me is happy about that._

_By the time we got our orders to go home, we were inseparable. I tell you all the time you are the best friend a guy could have. We got each other through 'Nam and you admit that, but I can never tell you that truly saved my life. You got me through war, then through four more years at Polk._

_I know I don't talk much about the few years we spent apart. I can't lie to you and telling you I was a miserable, drunken, shiftless wreck is just not a conversation that will ever happen. I knew one simple change would dissipate the dark cloud that had taken up residence over me, but you know me and facing emotions and issues. Let's just say it took me a while._

_I've wondered if you really never connected the dots or if you did, but decided never to broach the subject. You think I just decided to live my Hardy Boys dream out of the blue? When I told you where Murray was and what had been going on is his life, did you wonder how I knew? I knew I had a knack for digging up information. It was how I found you._

_It took me four days, and countless shots, to work up the courage to call the number I had found for you. Every rejection and negative scenario was on repeat in my head. I thought you wouldn't remember me, or your wife would answer, or...maybe you wouldn't be able to answer at all._

_I was ready to hang up when you answered the phone. You were out of breath and...man, you don't how good it was to hear your voice. I still don't know how you knew it was me. I was **mumbling** , but you knew._

_We talked for over eleven hours. When I suggested you come hang out for a weekend on my boat, I didn't expect you to do it. I was hoping, but not hopeful, you know. That was on a Tuesday._

_You were sitting in the salon on the Riptide Friday afternoon._

_You haven't left since._

_I knew even before we left that jungle of blood, death,and decay that I would stay with you as long as you'd let me. When I told you I was going to the West Coast and live the beach life, I wasn't walking away. I wanted the best for you, for you to be happy. You didn't need me standing in your way._

_When you told me you liked the boat, the volleyball, Straightaways, and the girls on the Contessa enough to hang out here for a while, I never thought it would be long. I thank God every day that he gives me with you and I beg for at least one more._

_If you turned around right now and looked down, you could probably read this. You're at the stove, making your barbecue sauce and telling a story about some tourist you took up in the Mimi earlier. He was trying to impress his girl before he puked all over himself and you, always a flair for the dramatic, are mimicking his motions and sounds. You're stirring with one hand and using the other to emphasize the story. It's so **you**._

_Damn, you're beautiful. You just threw your head back and laughed. Did you know your smile is the prettiest I've ever seen? You're the complete opposite of everything I ever thought I wanted, Nick. You're as tall as I am, with thick dark hair, and that tanned skin that makes me...I will just say before you, I preferred petite blondes who were definitely **not** male._

_Do you realize we haven't left each other's sides since the day you pulled up in the 'Vette for a “little vacation”. I didn't want you to leave, but knew I couldn't stop you. I was planning to nudge us apart if I felt I was getting too attached._

_Now, I **can't** leave. Somewhere along the line, I fell in love with you. You can't know what having figured that out has done to me, Nick. I'm ashamed because you are my best friend and we promised to never keep anything from each other; but I lie to you each and every day. I know if I tell you the truth, you're gone. That is just not an option. I'd rather spend the rest of my life never getting as close as I would like to you than without you at all._

_I date those girls occasionally just to do what I have to do. It distracts me from what I can't have, keeps you from seeing the truth, and gives me a piss-poor substitute for what I really want._

_I don't even understand it. I still like women. A nice ass goes walking by and I enjoy what I'm seeing. Women are beautiful, but none of them are you. If you ever read this, you will finally understand all those times you were talking to me and I was zoned out. Can you imagine how many hours I spent trying to make sense of it all?_

_I've had a long time to think about this all and the only conclusion I come to is soul-mates are real. Yes, I know I sound like my mother, who has found, and married, at least a half dozen of them. In her case, soul-mates are temporary I guess, but she has always believed there is at least one perfect match for every person. You're mine. You're not quite what I expected, but I'm not complaining._

_In my head, we're together in every way. You claim me, make me yours. When I think of you on top of me, covering me, I can almost feel it. I could completely surrender to you, because I know I can trust you with my life and my body. I'll never know if I can trust you with my heart, but I can live with that._

_I will never tell you and the only way you will read this is if something happens to me. This will be placed in my safe deposit box, the contents, of course, being willed to you. I tell you I love you, but play it off as meaning like a best friend. Why? I want you to know, even if I am not completely truthful about the **how**. I can live with never having you, but as hard as I tried to keep my feelings completely to myself, I had to at least tell you. You don't need to know the **context** to understand and accept the **sentiment**._

_The only regret I will have in my life is that I did not have the guts to go after what I wanted. I let the love of my life slip right through my fingers when he was right **here**. Some days I tell myself the risk is worth the reward, but I know better. Losing you is too steep a price to pay for **anything**._

_Thank you for showing me friendship. Thank you for being my partner in almost every way. When I was floundering and trying to find myself, you drifted through the fog with me. Words can never express how grateful I am for every laugh we shared, fight we had, and moment we spent together. I went to Vietnam thinking it would end everything. I found you and a new life. There is nothing I can do to repay you for what you've done for and been to me._

_I love you, Nick, with everything I am. I wish I could tell you. If I could and you would accept...I'd never ask for anything else in life; I'd have everything I ever really wanted. I want you to know it's ok. I know if you you're reading this, you are blaming yourself and wondering what you could have done. Stop! You are not to blame and there is nothing you could have done. I chose to keep the secret and consequently, made the choice for both of us. I've learned to accept the reality and that is good enough for me._

_Love you always,_

_Cody_

“He's an idiot,” Nick mumbled as he wiped the warm rivulets off his cheek, unaware he had begun to cry at the torture Cody put himself through unnecessarily.

It must have been several hours Nick sat in the same spot, re-reading both letters countless times, because the sun was high overhead when he felt the boat rock and heard Cody calling out,”Nick? You here?”

Nick gave no reply, still lost in thought. Cody found him sitting perfectly still, staring into space. When Cody spotted the familiar stationery, he paled and took a step back. He was shaking his head slowly, as if the movement would prevent the impending implosion of his world.

“I can explain...” Cody began as soon as he spotted the letters, turning on the charm even when his voice was cracking in fear.

Nick finally came back to himself and turned to the man he thought he knew better than himself. “I think the letters said it all, Cody.” Nick's voice was flat, emotionless, which, to Cody, was a bad sign.

Cody gathered his courage and decided to face this head-on, hopefully salvaging some of the friendship,“You were never supposed to see them. It must have fallen out of the folder of papers I was going to put in the safe deposit box. I didn't even notice.”

“Why weren't you going to tell me?”

Cody gave Nick a look of utter disbelief. “What the hell was I supposed to tell you, Nick? 'Hey buddy, I'm not a girl and you don't like guys, but see, I've fallen for you and maybe you can change your mind.' You tell me what the hell I was supposed to say! You're all I have in this world and you think it is easy to decide to risk that?”

Anger clouded blue eyes as Nick turned to Cody and answered, his voice raising on every word,”Best. Friends! You can trust me with _anything_! All this time,” Nick's voice cracked in hurt as he turned his head in Cody's direction,”and you can't trust me?”

“Now you know.” Cody ran his hands through his thick blond hair, desperately seeking a way to fix the situation and failing, finally accepting his fate. “I hope what we had is worth it.” Cody headed for the exit, avoiding any discussion regarding emotions or a possible confrontation.

“Cody!” Nick barked, causing Cody to stop immediately. Nick's voice, as well as his demeanor, softened. “I've been with you since the day we met. Even when I wasn't _here_ here, you were always with me. You get what I'm saying? Forty is not far off and I live with you. No _girl_. No _kids_. Nothing like that. I been sleeping next to you almost half my damn life. I put myself on the line to protect you without a second thought. Where the hell have you been, _Mr. Detective_?”

“What?” Cody turned around and stared in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Nick shrugged,“I came for a weekend _how_ many years ago?”

Cody backed against the counter, shaking his head. He didn't speak, just stared at Nick. Cody looked far younger, and more fragile, than his years at that point. Nick saw that apathetic, heartbroken twenty year old standing before him again. The one he wanted to wrap up and protect from the cruel world.

The one he promised to get home safely at all costs because losing him would destroy Nick, killing him just as effectively as a bullet from Charlie, but not as mercifully quickly.

Nick stood from his seat and approached Cody slowly, carefully. When Cody was directly before him, Nick allowed his genuine smile and soft fingertips tracing Cody's strong jawline to say everything neither of them had been able to. “I'm not going anywhere. Nowhere else for me, ya know?”

Cody leaned forward shyly, planting a quick kiss on Nick's lips then leaning back. “I don't want you to leave. I...just... _stay_. Don't leave me. Not now.”

The next kiss, initiated by Nick, left them both anticipating more, regretting all the time they had lost, and forgetting laundry, dinner, and every other chore requiring their attention. They managed to make their way into the stateroom, where they spent the rest of the afternoon into the evening getting intimately acquainted.

*^*^*

Hours later, laundry long forgotten, Cody lay with Nick wrapped in his arms, planting gentle kisses on the man's shoulder and back, caressing him with equal parts passion, gratitude, and possession. Now that he knew the feel of Nick's slick skin against his own, the needy mewl which warned of Nick's impending orgasm, how debauched Nick appeared, hair mussed, hands fisted in the sheets as Cody stroked him, Cody knew he was hooked and there was no rehab for his new addiction.

Nick shifted a bit closer, clearing his throat. “Cody?”

“Yea, Nick?”

“How long?”

Cody answered as honestly as he could.”I don't know. I've thought about it and all I know is it's just _there_. Sometimes I think it was there before we left Polk, but I didn't know what it was.”

“You kept it from me that long.” Nick's voice lowered as he made the statement.

Cody knew immediately that Nick was still feeling betrayed, his best friend having essentially lied to him for all those years. After the events of that day, Cody knew it was time to clean the slate, no more lying, hiding, denying. That was not what they were about.

Cody gently rolled Nick over onto his back as he maneuvered on top of Nick. In the light the moon and dock lights provided, Cody could see two pained blue eyes studying him. He leaned down and let his lips meet Nick's, tracing the dark-haired man's full lips with his tongue before pulling back just enough to speak. “Part of it was selfish, Nick. I was a coward and thought I'd lose you. I couldn't, Nick. But I couldn't see you alone either. In my head, I could see you being disgusted, so much that you packed your stuff and left.” Cody turned his face away, shame overwhelming him at that moment, but he pushed on, needing to purge what he had tamped down for years. “Some of those nightmares weren't about 'Nam.”

Nick, unable to stand seeing his friend distraught was going to implore him to stop,”Don't...”

“No, Nick, I have to.” Cody turned back to the man he had loved so long. “I'd have figured something out, even if it meant going back to the East Coast and getting into my mother's good graces. I'd have been a miserable fake, but I could have. I worried more about who would be there for you, who would have your back. I'd give this up forever before I let you go out there alone again, Nick. I love you too much to watch you suffer.”

Nick was speechless. This man had just confessed he would have lived in misery the rest of his life rather than see Nick do something that would render him alone in the world. No one had ever made such a sacrifice for him. His father had been an angry man, verbally shredding Nick and his mother. His mother had tried, but the beatings and verbal abuse she thought she had hidden from her son sent her to a mental institution. She had died less than four months later, having somehow stockpiled her medication, then taken it all after returning from dinner one night. His father had gladly given him up to the state the day his mother had been institutionalized. Nick accepted no one would love him after his mother was taken from him.

He had bounced between foster and group homes until he finished high school. School proved to be a respite from reality. He had always been athletic and his abilities led to success in football, volleyball, and track. Nick parlayed that into a wide social circle, but always knew his path would be much different from those of his friends.

The day after graduation, Nick Ryder was on a bus heading for boot camp and a collision course with Cody Allen.

But Cody, beautiful,well-educated, charming Cody, from a completely different world, loved him. Cody never tried to change him. Cody was not ashamed of him. Cody, who could have had anyone he set his sights on, had chosen _him_.

Nick must have been thinking aloud, because Cody quickly kissed him again,”You're perfect, Nick. I don't care what other people told you. _I'm_ telling you you're perfect for _me_. I'll prove it every day if you let me.”

Nick ran a hand up Cody's arm, across his shoulder, slowly up his throat and into his thick, blond hair. “You already have,” Nick said before pulling Cody down.  



End file.
